You've Been Learning About Marriage All Along

What do you say to your son and his fiancee on the day of their marriage?  This is what I shared with Josh and Jen during their wedding on December 14, 2013.  

Josh and Jen, parents are famous for repetition.  In your growing up years, you heard some of the same parental admonitions a thousand times.  “Clean up your room.  Close the door, but don’t slam it.  Be nice to your sister.”  I confess that I’m worse than most when it comes to parental repetition.  I have a set of stories and comments that all three of my children can quote verbatim.  Still, as I’ve thought about what I wanted to say to you, Josh and Jen, on your wedding day, I’ve decided to tell you the same things that Linda and I have been telling Josh, and Ken and Louise have been telling Jen, your entire lives.  You haven’t outgrown them.  In fact, today they become truer than ever.  What you really need to know about marriage, you’ve been learning your entire lives. 

As you were growing up, we, your parents reminded you, thousands of times, to say “Thank you.”  As children, you may have said those words without feeling much gratitude.  We hoped your feelings would catch up to your speaking.  As adults, you’re in greater danger of feeling gratitude and not expressing it.  As you begin your marriage, I challenge you to put the thankfulness you feel into words.  Today, I’m sure that you can’t imagine taking each other for granted.  But as time goes by, you can learn to count on each other so completely that you forget to count each other as blessings.  Life can only be seen for the gift and miracle that it is by grateful hearts.  Say “thank you” for the little things you do for each other.  Never underestimate the power of a word of praise or a compliment.  Take time to say to each other, “I’m thankful for you.” 

How many times did we tell you to share?  Josh, we reminded you to share after you duked it out with another boy over a toy airplane in the church nursery.  Jen, your mom says that with three siblings, the commandment to share was often repeated.  Sharing was important then, but much more so now as you begin your marriage.  Daily, share your hearts with each other.  Talk about your dreams, your joys, your prayers, your goals.  Share your hurts with each other too.  You won’t protect each other by keeping secrets; you’ll only create distance and silence.  Share your family with others.  For a while, you’re right to focus on building your shared life, but remember that the abundant Christian life is always bigger than family ties.  Your greatest fulfillment will come as you reach out to a hurting world together and serve the cause of Christ.  In that kind of giving, you’ll receive a joy and sense of purpose you won’t find any other way.  Share. 

Ask for what you need.  You two are so much alike in so many ways.  You both love to go and do.  I’ve described you to others as a couple that says, “We have an hour before dinner, let’s go skydiving.” You think so much alike that you may often feel that you can read each other’s minds.  But remember that the health of your marriage depends upon asking each other for what you need.  Don’t criticize each other for not knowing what you haven’t been told.  Your marriage is too sacred to let it become a guessing game.  Ask for what you need.  Ask for time.  Ask for undivided attention.  Ask for help.  Ask for affection.  Ask for space.  Ask for prayer.  Asking requires courage.  Asking demands trust in each other that you’ll listen closely and respond lovingly.  Jesus says that the one who asks receives.  Put that truth to work in your marriage each day. 

Wipe your feet before you come in the house.  You were taught to do that so that you wouldn’t track the dirt of your day’s adventures all over the house.  Jen, when your parents installed new flooring in your home, clean feet and shoes left outside became the rule of the house.  Home needs to be kept clean, so, we said, wipe off all of the daily dirt before you come inside.  You still need to wipe your feet before you come home.  As you go through your working day, you can pick up the dust of unfinished business, the dirt of frustration, the mud of anger.  Do your best to deal with life’s dirt where it happens so you don’t bring it home.  But when you do, make the conscious decision to leave it outside.  Don’t track the dirt of the day through your marriage.  Keep your time together clean and beautiful.  

Say “I’m sorry.”  Josh and Jen, you are two great people, but even great people will hurt and disappoint each other.  You’ll say words you wish you could erase.  You’ll have an attitude you don’t understand.  And when you’ve done wrong toward each other, you’ll face the decision of what to do about it.  You can ignore it, but the hurt will grow.  Josh knows the story of the oak tree in front of my parents’ home that I once could put my hands around, but now has grown so large that three persons can’t reach around it joining hands.  Cut down your hurts while they’re small.  You’ll bless your marriage if you’ll have the courage and honesty to say “I’m sorry” and meet that confession with the sincere gift of grace “I forgive you.” 

Say your prayers.   Parents love to hear their children pray, because we get to overhear the worship of a heart so fresh from God.  Josh, you sometimes would sing your prayers, composing a spontaneous song of praise.  Jen, your family has always prayed together as you sat down to share a meal.  I challenge the two of you to say your prayers.  Pray together.  Pray for each other out loud by name each day.  Those prayers will remind you of what matters.  Those prayers will draw you closer to God and to each other.  And the closer you move toward the Giver, the more of the joy and beauty of this gift you will receive. 

Finally, keep your promises.  From childhood, you've been taught to do what you promise, not because keeping your word is always easy or fun, but because of who you are.  Other than your commitment to Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, you’ve never had so big a promise to keep as this.  To keep it, you must turn a deaf ear to the values of this world.  To keep it, you must not only watch your actions, but also guard your hearts.  To keep it, you must give the best to the one you love even when he or she has nothing to give in return.  Keeping this promise will take your whole heart and the rest of your lives, but keeping it well will give you life in its fullness in return. 

I hope that you see that God has been preparing you for each other and for your marriage your entire lives.  If we who so love you have helped prepare you for a wonderful life together, then our joy today is even more complete.