What Would They Say?

Wednesday, I was sitting on the platform of St. Andrews Baptist Church, leading my fourteenth funeral of the year.  As I sat in my chair behind the pulpit, I witnessed something truly touching and, for me, soul-searching.

We had come to the part of the service designated in the program as a "Family Tribute."  I sat and listened as, one at a time, each of the deceased man's three sons came to the pulpit and shared grateful memories of their dad.  Each one saw his dad in a unique way, but they were in perfect unison in their admiration of their father's character, awareness of how much he had shaped their lives for good, and appreciation for how blessed they were to be raised by such a remarkable Christian man.

As I sat and listened to the thankful remembrances of these three sons, questions began to flood my mind.  "What if this were my funeral and my own three children had risen to speak?  What would they say?  What would they remember of the life we've shared?  Has my example led them toward the fullness of life or away from it?  Would they see their dad as a success in the things that matter most, or a failure?  Would they be able to say honestly, 'I'm glad you were my dad?'"  

Father's Day was two months ago, so I know I'm not writing this to lobby for a bigger gift.  The gift I received during that funeral service was a greater awareness of how the reality of death awakens us to the realities of life.

What would those close to you say at your funeral?  You may not want to think about it, but it's not a bad way to take inventory of your life.

Your Verse in the Song

Sing to the LORD a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him.   

                                                                                   Psalm 98:1

Imagine that I asked you to write a new verse to a great hymn of faith like Amazing Grace or How Great Thou Art.  This is exactly what the scriptures call us to do—to add a new verse to the old old song of God’s saving love.  

Along with singing the old verses that tell what God has done in ages past, you and I are to sing our new verse, telling those around us what God is doing in our lives and our world today.  It’s not enough for us to talk about what the Apostle Paul said, or great scholars have said, or our parents have said, or even what our church has said.  We must sing a new song, sharing with others that God is alive and at work in us. 

What is your verse of the song?  Can you put it in words?  It may be your most effective witness you can share with those who need to know Christ.

Are We Poisoning Our Children?

This is one of my favorite family stories that got me thinking about one of the great issues of parenting.  I hope you enjoy.  This story is included in my book, The Stories of My Life. 

Are We Poisoning Our Children?

As I pulled into the driveway of the Vaughan house, all seemed to be well. I was home for lunch as was looking forward to some time with my family.  I entered the house and said hello to Linda, then asked my usual question, "How was your morning?"  She got right to the point. 

          "I just got off the phone." 

          "Really, who did you call?" 

          "Poison Control."  

          At this point I stopped looking at Linda and started looking for Joshua. "Is he all right?" I asked urgently.  "What did he take?"  

          "Your son," she answered (he is always my son when he does things like this) “ate a raw pork chop.  I called Poison Control to see if he was in danger.  Dee, they don't have a category for poisoning by raw pork chop, that is, until today. Your son has made history."  

          The anxiety of that moment along with the thought of raw pork in Joshua's stomach took away our appetites.  But we were truly thankful that he was all right because we knew that poisoning can take away much more. 

          Our experience with the raw pork chop is funny, but anything which threatens to poison our children is no laughing matter.  I remember the families of Love Canal who realized too late that contaminated soil and water were poisoning themselves and their children.  Many became ill.  Some died.  We can only imagine their heartache.

          I know that you care for your children.  I care for children too, yours and mine.  That is why I need to tell you some disturbing news.  Many of our children are being poisoned.  What makes this news even more alarming is that they are being poisoned by us.  Many of us, without even knowing it, are poisoning our children.  Our unhealed pain poisons them. 

          Parents who suffer from addiction to drugs or alcohol poison the future for their children.  Children of alcoholics often spend their lives in emotional numbness, afraid to relate to others, distrustful of their own reactions, living by the lie that if they had been good enough mom or dad would not drink.  They often become perfectionists who never see themselves as quite good enough for anyone to love. 

Parents who have suffered physical or emotional abuse and never come to terms with their problem pass this poison on to their children.  If their parents whipped them with words and told them that they were useless, then they will, in turn, whip their children.  If they saw that their parents dealt with frustration by beating the kids, then they often do the same.  Parents who were sexually abused often see themselves as dirty and vile and treat their children like tramps.  The abuse of the past, if not owned and overcome, often poisons the future for the children.  They do suffer, to the third and fourth generation.

Some of us grew up hard and poor.  We came to believe that life was found in the possessions we did not have.  So we committed our lives to gaining things in hopes of finding happiness.  Our endless battle with materialism can, if we do not end it, poison the lives of our children.  We try to give them the happiness we never had by giving them the clothes, the home, the car, the money which we never had.  And in the process of trying to make peace with the poverty of the past, we make irresponsible, irreverent, monsters of our children. 

Some of us feel a sense of guilt over a lack of achievement.  We were not the star athlete, the star pupil or the beauty queen, so we felt that we were nobody.  If we bring those feelings into our relationship with our children, then we will make them slaves to our unfulfilled dreams.  We set standards which are so high that they cannot achieve them--nothing but A's, nothing but championships, nothing but the best from you will do.  And when we poison our children with our need to achieve through them, they grow up believing that they will never be good enough for anyone to love them. 

          Apathy is a spiritual poison, the poison of just not caring about spiritual things.  Some of us who are parents are not faithful to God and his work through the church.  Some are unfaithful because they were beaten by guilt and condemnation in church as a child.  Others may have felt embarrassed or rejected by the church.  Others feel guilty because they know that their lives do not live up to the call of Christ.  But whatever the reason, whatever unresolved pain we carry from the past, it will poison our children.  They will look at us and come to believe that God and his kingdom simply do not matter.  They will pass through this church and never make a saving commitment to Jesus Christ.  If we, as parents, fail to answer the call to discipleship, then we poison our children and hinder them from answering the call to salvation. 

          This is troubling news, almost too hard to bear.  What can we do?  When your child takes some pills or even eats a raw pork chop, you call poison control for help.  What can we do when we know that our children are being poisoned by our pasts? 

          I believe that God wants to do an awesome work in you and me.  He wants to get the poison of the past out of your heart.  I believe that he wants to get it out of your home.  I believe that he wants to get it out of your child's future.

          How will he do it?  I cannot answer that for you.  If you are not a Christian, he wants to begin by entering your life through your faith in him. If you are marginal in your relationship to the church, he wants you to find the healing of faith and fellowship which the church can offer.  You may need the help of a counselor or a support group.  But all of these steps in the right direction begin with a commitment: 

          With God as my Savior, the sin of my past stops here.

          With God as my healer, the pain of my past stops here.

          By the power of the forgiving God, the guilt of my past stops here. 

          By the grace of God, I will break the cycle of sin and pain and punishment.

          With God as my helper, I will never again poison my child.