What do you say to your son and his fiancee on the day of their marriage? This is what I shared with Josh and Jen during their wedding on December 14, 2013.
Josh and Jen, parents
are famous for repetition. In your
growing up years, you heard some of the same parental admonitions a thousand
times.
“Clean up your room. Close the
door, but don’t slam it. Be nice to your
sister.” I confess that I’m worse
than most when it comes to parental repetition.
I have a set of stories and comments that all three of my children can
quote verbatim. Still, as I’ve thought
about what I wanted to say to you, Josh and Jen, on your wedding day, I’ve
decided to tell you the same things that Linda and I have been telling Josh,
and Ken and Louise have been telling Jen, your entire lives. You haven’t outgrown them. In fact, today they become truer than
ever. What you really need to know about
marriage, you’ve been learning your entire lives.
As you were
growing up, we, your parents reminded you, thousands of times, to say “Thank
you.”
As children, you may have said those
words without feeling much gratitude. We
hoped your feelings would catch up to your speaking. As adults, you’re in greater danger of
feeling gratitude and not expressing it.
As you begin your marriage, I challenge you to put the thankfulness you
feel into words. Today, I’m sure that
you can’t imagine taking each other for granted. But as time goes by, you can learn to count
on each other so completely that you forget to count each other as blessings. Life can only be seen for the gift and
miracle that it is by grateful hearts.
Say “thank you” for the little things you do for each other. Never underestimate the power of a word of
praise or a compliment. Take time to say
to each other, “I’m thankful for you.”
How many times
did we tell you to share? Josh, we
reminded you to share after you duked it out with another boy over a toy
airplane in the church nursery. Jen,
your mom says that with three siblings, the commandment to share was often
repeated. Sharing was important then,
but much more so now as you begin your marriage. Daily, share your hearts with each
other. Talk about your dreams, your
joys, your prayers, your goals. Share your
hurts with each other too. You won’t
protect each other by keeping secrets; you’ll only create distance and silence. Share your family with others. For a while, you’re right to focus on
building your shared life, but remember that the abundant Christian life is
always bigger than family ties. Your
greatest fulfillment will come as you reach out to a hurting world together and
serve the cause of Christ. In that kind
of giving, you’ll receive a joy and sense of purpose you won’t find any other
way. Share.
Ask for what you
need. You two are so much alike in so many
ways. You both love to go and do. I’ve described you to others as a couple that
says, “We have an hour before dinner, let’s go skydiving.” You think so much
alike that you may often feel that you can read each other’s minds. But remember that the health of your marriage
depends upon asking each other for what you need. Don’t criticize each other for not knowing
what you haven’t been told. Your
marriage is too sacred to let it become a guessing game. Ask for what you need. Ask for time.
Ask for undivided attention. Ask
for help. Ask for affection. Ask for space. Ask for prayer. Asking requires courage. Asking demands trust in each other that
you’ll listen closely and respond lovingly.
Jesus says that the one who asks receives. Put that truth to work in your marriage each
day.
Wipe your feet
before you come in the house. You were taught
to do that so that you wouldn’t track the dirt of your day’s adventures all
over the house. Jen, when your parents
installed new flooring in your home, clean feet and shoes left outside became
the rule of the house. Home needs to be
kept clean, so, we said, wipe off all of the daily dirt before you come
inside. You still need to wipe your feet
before you come home. As you go through
your working day, you can pick up the dust of unfinished business, the dirt of
frustration, the mud of anger. Do your
best to deal with life’s dirt where it happens so you don’t bring it home. But when you do, make the conscious decision
to leave it outside. Don’t track the
dirt of the day through your marriage.
Keep your time together clean and beautiful.
Say “I’m sorry.” Josh and Jen, you are two great people, but
even great people will hurt and disappoint each other. You’ll say words you wish you could
erase. You’ll have an attitude you don’t
understand. And when you’ve done wrong
toward each other, you’ll face the decision of what to do about it. You can ignore it, but the hurt will
grow. Josh knows the story of the oak
tree in front of my parents’ home that I once could put my hands around, but
now has grown so large that three persons can’t reach around it joining
hands. Cut down your hurts while they’re
small. You’ll bless your marriage if
you’ll have the courage and honesty to say “I’m sorry” and meet that confession
with the sincere gift of grace “I forgive you.”
Say your
prayers. Parents love to hear their children pray,
because we get to overhear the worship of a heart so fresh from God. Josh, you sometimes would sing your prayers,
composing a spontaneous song of praise.
Jen, your family has always prayed together as you sat down to share a
meal. I challenge the two of you to say
your prayers. Pray together. Pray for each other out loud by name each
day. Those prayers will remind you of
what matters. Those prayers will draw
you closer to God and to each other. And
the closer you move toward the Giver, the more of the joy and beauty of this
gift you will receive.
Finally, keep
your promises. From childhood, you've been taught to do what
you promise, not because keeping your word is always easy or fun, but because
of who you are. Other than your
commitment to Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, you’ve never had so big a
promise to keep as this. To keep it, you
must turn a deaf ear to the values of this world. To keep it, you must not only watch your
actions, but also guard your hearts. To
keep it, you must give the best to the one you love even when he or she has
nothing to give in return. Keeping this
promise will take your whole heart and the rest of your lives, but keeping it
well will give you life in its fullness in return.
I
hope that you see that God has been preparing you for each other and for your
marriage your entire lives. If we who so
love you have helped prepare you for a wonderful life together, then our joy today
is even more complete.